I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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