guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
