I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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