I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
