I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize