HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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