Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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