she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
