I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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