Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
