you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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