Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
