He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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