I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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