Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
