I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
