I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
