my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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