My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
