That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i now understand why vodka
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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