Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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