i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
