i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize