What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
