Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
