I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
