Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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