My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
