I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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