I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
