Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Drunk is not a location!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize