i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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