You're my little dorito
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
