I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
