Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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