I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
