I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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