I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize