Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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