so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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