actually, I'm a sock model
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
