Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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