dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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