he shaved USA in his pubs
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i drank out of a bidet.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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