Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
