this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
