I like my sex mixed with concussions.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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