I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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