totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
