dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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