my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
