i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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