i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
