I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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