Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you had me at cake vodka
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize