Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
