I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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