I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
