Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
