so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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