my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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