I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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