Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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