We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
