my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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