I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
